The Onion Movie

A film version of the satirical newspaper The Onion is an odd idea, but if it turned out as clever as the paper, it could be great. The Onion Movie was released straight-to-DVD in 2008, but most, if not all, of it was filmed back in 2003. That delay certainly hurts it, since if the jokes were fresh in 2003, by 2008 they've been done. A series of skits loosely tied together by a very light plot, The Onion Movie has some good moments, but doesn't live up to the expectations those of us who read the paper had.

Norm Archer (Len Cariou) is the veteran anchor of The Onion Nightly News, which has just been acquired by the Global Tetrahedron corporation. The film opens with some short skits based on the headlines read by Archer, a TV spot for a new action film starring Steven Seagal (parodying himself), produced by Global Tetrahedron, an on-location report by Dana Dobbs (Larissa Laskin) about missing socks (while the house across the street is on fire) a skit about an Armed Gunman (Terrance Flack) holding up a bank and demanding a job, a report by Kip Kendall (Scott Klase) on singing sensation Melissa Cherry (Sarah McElligott), and a few other headlines. These first segments are a good start. The Steven Seagal movie trailer is great. The armed gunman demanding a job is clever, and just as it starts to seem tedious, has a good payoff, making it perhaps the only funny skit that doesn't seem dated.

Armed Gunman at Work

Melissa Cherry is an obvious parody of Britney Spears at her peak. Her songs and music videos are ridiculously (and hilariously) sexually-suggestive, yet in the interview she seems completely innocent and oblivious and claims to be a virgin. Plus, one of her dancers is Kevin Federline, who was unknown back in 2003, so in a way, the skit works on a whole new level now, but you have to notice Federline for it to work, and he's easy to miss. The Melissa Cherry segment is funny, but its a joke we've already seen elsewhere, so it seems dated. Too bad, because it was probably really funny in 2003, and of all the skits, is probably the one that suffers the most from the release delay. Fortunately the Melissa Cherry songs and their videos, and there are several, are funny enough to make this one of the best parts of the film.

Melissa Cherry in "Lollipop Love"

Next we get a taste of the plot. While discussing a conflict between Sloravia and Azmenistan, Archer sees a CGI penguin waddle across his deck, advertising Global Tetrahedron. Archer storms out of the studio to the offices, where the producers (Orlando Seale & Erik Stolhanske) tell him its what the parent company wants and that's just the way it is.

Globie Interrupts the Broadcast

Now things get more hit or miss. There are still some decent moments, like a cave-dwelling "Al-Q'Utaya" terrorist enjoying the trailer for the Steven Seagal movie, until he realizes its a "decadent western film" and puts in a "Martyrdom Made Easy" tape featuring "Ahmed and Ahman" (a parody of Goofus and Gallant) and a bit about a white kid named Timothy Shanahan (Brendan Fletcher) acting black, being profiled as black by the police (and everyone else) and being found guilty of a convenience store robbery he didn't commit has an OK premise, though it goes on too long. The Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts and gay cruise ship commercials aren't funny, and the "Focus on Film" review of the movie in progress is tedious and panelist "The Masses" even points it out. There's a batch of "Little-Known Racial Stereotypes" that aren't really funny; the highlight is that Peruvians like to show up at the last minute and save the day, and can also shoot lasers from their eyes. Then there's a rape-mystery game (as opposed to murder-mystery game) that's just uncomfortable and probably the worst part of the whole film. Its only real redeeming quality is a mildly-amusing Daniel Dae Kim and his rich fraternity brother impersonation, but he doesn't make up for the awful premise. Things seem to do better when the film sticks with the newscast format, as most of the jokes lose their punch after the headline anyway. Whenever we wander away from the newscast, the film suffers. Stories about Congress restricting smoking to a single room in Iowa and families being forced to take in convicts due to prison overcrowding at least sort-of work, while another "Focus on Film," this one on the movie's poor portrayal of minorities, is at least as tedious as the first, and a skit about a Volt Village customer buying new computers, only to have them become obsolete before he gets them home which drives him to kill "Gil Bates" is largely predictable and was probably already dated back in 2003.

The solution to prison overcrowding?

In another taste of the plot, Archer sees Globie the Penguin appear again to promote the new movie, and the producers tell him to bump an upcoming top story about Sloravia and Azmenistan for one about the new movie. Archer goes drinking (and an upstanding black man comes in asking for directions to the library, which almost makes the last "Focus on Film" worth it, if only either segment were actually funny.) The last batch of sketches are a slight improvement, with Michael Bolton as himself representing the What About the Children Foundation, "Jumpin' Johnny" land mines being marketed as a solution for weeds and lawn pests (including elephants), the Brendan Lareux (Kirk Ward) story of a man who loses his hands and feet and still becomes a hockey player, and, in a bit of continuity with the main plot, the United Nations recruits a hippie teen (Greg Cipes) from a school peace rally to negotiate peace between the leaders of Sloravia and Azmenistan, and succeeds by getting them high, but then they start fighting over weed and things get even worse.

Peace Process

Finally, after another appearance by Globie the Penguin, Archer tells the producers he'll quit if he can't run the lead story he wants, but they ignore him. As the next broadcast begins, Archer starts to make an announcement, but is cut off when Al'Q'Utaya terrorists take him hostage.

Steven Seagal, Melissa Cherry and a group of Peruvians show up to save the day in a climax that brings together many of the skits from throughout the film. In the end, the last terrorist standing decides he actually likes the decadent west and Archer realizes that corporate influence over the news "protects us from terrorism."

The Heroes

Rodney Dangerfield (in one of his last roles and probably the last to be released) ends the movie Caddyshack-style and another Focus on Film segment has "the man who greenlit the film" showing a couple scenes that were "cut" including Meredeth Baxter as a cooking show chef boiling live cats.

The acting is competent, though none of it seemed to be too difficult. What special effects there are look a little cheesy even by 2003 standards, though that might have been intensional. This film isn't for everyone, but for the right person can provide a mildly enjoyable diversion as long as your expectations aren't too high. This unrated film features a lot of profanity, sexual references and some drug use. It pushes things about as far as South Park does, but just isn't as successful. (Incidentally, I wonder if the Peruvians in this film had any influence on South Park's "Pandemic" two-parter of late 2008.) The Onion Movie might have seemed better had it been released in 2003, when the jokes were fresher, or if they'd just started over with fresh jokes for 2008. After all, the website's Onion News Network does more clever bits, and makes The Onion Movie seem a little like a missed opportunity.